It has become apparent that a second Fashion Police bulletin is required, due to recent disquieting developments. Please note that the first bulletin is still applicable, and that the Fashion Police reserve the right to be totally arbitary and whimsical in their judgements.
Brown suits (and suits in general) Oh dear. The fashion police are explicitly apolitical. But brown suits are never appropriate for formal wear, whether or not you are in the House of Commons. And while we’re about it, you can never go wrong with a dark suit for an interview. A tie still impresses. Please don’t whine about this not being fair, it’s a fact of life. Please, no suede shoes, trainers (shudder) or character socks for formal occasions. There is no penalty for this; but remember, you brought it on yourself when you fail that interview.
Shorts Summer is here, and there is a tendency to wear shorts. The Fashion Police have no wish to dictate the length of shorts. However, we must impress on shorts wearers that very short shorts should only be worn by confident shorts wearers. Bulging bare flesh is never acceptable and will attract an immediate fixed penalty. No. This is not sizeist.
Bare Chests Ladies and gentlemen (we are an equal rights body): Bare chests are never acceptable in public, unless at the beach or possibly in the park (in suitable weather.) They are ESPECIALLY unacceptable in food stores and the high street. Immediate fixed penalty, possibly custodial.
Short skirts A small faction of the male Fashion Police is, sadly irredeemably sexist and enjoys short skirts. However, all of the Fashion Police agree that short skirt wearers, male, female or transgender, should be sure they are confident of their appearance before they go out in public. Nothing detracts from such a fashion statement as much as the continual tugging down of the hem of a skirt. If you feel it is too short and is exposing too much, DON’T WEAR IT. (Obviously there is no penalty for this, just much head shaking and tut-tutting.)
Sunbathing in underwear It may surprise some of you to learn that the Fashion Police are very relaxed about this, seeing very little difference between underwear and swimming costumes. In fact, in some cases, this may even be an attractive option, if the underwear is appropriate. But parks and gardens only please. (The Guardian seems rather vexed about this.)
Baseball caps Now some of the general public may consider that the Fashion Police are becoming obsessive about back-to-front baseball caps. The argument that this style is now ‘retro’ has been used. Really? So ‘retro’ is now acceptable for any fashion offence? The Fashion Police exit the scene, shaking their heads in disbelief, to review the scale of penalties.
If you want to get ahead, get a hat… as sported by this fashionable young lady. However, hats are for outdoor wear. Supermarkets are not outdoor spaces. Neither, some of us feel, are shopping malls. AND a word to follicly challenged ladies and gentlemen…. Why, oh why do so few of you wear a hat in cold weather? Or hot weather come to that? (Anybody who has suffered a sunburnt scalp will surely agree with us on this one.)